Friday, June 29, 2012

A Collage of Thoughts

Believe it or not my thoughts have not been as well sorted as usual.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some cries of my heart:

As Saxon's brother:
-Please, God, take this cancer from my brother, and restore his health.

-Please, God, don't let Saxon be in pain. (He gets morphine roughly every 3 hours, and there have been times when the pain hits before its time for morphine. The worst instance of this that I was present for consisted of me laying hands on him and praying while my mom was holding him onto him, crying for him, speaking to him, and praying over him. He was moaning with pain.) That is so difficult to be present for.

As God's son:
-Please, God, "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer." - Psalm 19:14... Basically, the part of me that God has placed in me (the Spirit) still, in the midst of all of the "life" that is happening, needs God to get glory from the way I handle this. If my life is a tapestry that I get to weave for God, then the Spirit of God urges me to weave a jewel of trust and service into my tapestry through this situation. God is intentional, and I do not want to leave a hole of missed opportunity in that which I am weaving.

That thought is so counterintuitive. It is cool to see God being God within me - because that reaction is not me. Glory to God.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The most difficult aspect of all of this is watching my brother hurt. . . It is so so very difficult. Today, for the first time, his pain was at a 10 out of 10. That means it was the worst pain he has ever felt in his life. We are trying to figure out how to deliver morphine orally so that we can go home, but there is a delay that does not exist with intravenous (IV) delivery. So finding the right amount of morphine, timing the delivery, adjusting to sleep patterns, controlling bowels, fighting the body's ability to build a immunity to morphine, and walking through the pain are all examples of battles. Prayer for all of this is appreciated. Please continue to ask God to do what He loves to do - bring health to His child, and we will await God's timing.

I remember in the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego that they were not delivered from the flames until they walked face-first into them. I do not think that we are in the fire yet. I think we have been informed that fire is coming, and we might even be walking toward the furnace. I still expect (or am battling to expect because I admit it is a war) for God to produce a miracle.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Please pray for Saxon's pain, health, morale, and strength. I am still asking people to go to war for my brother. Please also ask the Lord to grant my family calmness, strength, wisdom, and resolve. I would also like to ask for everyone to give God the glory that He is due. Glory because He is God in general, glory because He has given my brother some good days within the last two weeks, glory for meeting my brother in the midst of his fears, and glory for what He has done in so many hearts through this situation already. Glory to the Good and Perfect Father - He is trustworthy.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saxon told my mother at 4 a.m. on Thursday morning, "Momma, I am not scared anymore. I know Jesus will do what He wants, and that's the end of it."

Glory to God for that. I had not heard news that good in a long while.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I would also like to express gratitude to the Kingdom of God on behalf of my family. The amount of support we have received is completely overwhelming! Thanks to everyone for the love, food, and money, and especially thanks for the prayers to and petition of God.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I am not perfect by any stretch, but I do want all of this to be fruitful.

Thank You, Father, for the spirit of thanksgiving. Thank you that you are good always, and thank you that I can trust what You are doing because of who You are. I love and respect You - You know that. I am begging You, with every piece of influence that You have freely give to me through Jesus, to take the cancer from my brother's body. Give him a healthy, full, and daring life - lived as a testament of Your power and grace. I trust that You will meet us in this place. You do not abandon Your children. Make all glory and honor and praise Yours.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork. Day to day pours out speech, and night to night reveals knowledge. There is no speech, nor are there words, whose voice is not heard. Their voice goes out through all the earth, and their words to the end of the world. In them he has set a tent for the sun, which comes out like a bridegroom leaving his chamber, and like a strong man, runs its course with joy. Its rising is from the end of the heavens, and its circuit to the end of them, and there is nothing hidden from its heat."                    

Psalm 19:1-6

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Saxon's Prayer Walk

Thank you to one of our good friends for organizing this, and sorry for the late notice. I have not been online in a couple days. I ask that, because of the late notice, if you cannot make the walk and want to help, please intercede for my brother wherever you are tonight. Thanks everybody. 


"Saxon Cochran prayer walk information. 



Thursday night [tonight] from 7:30 to 8:30 we (whoever would like to stand before God on Saxon's behalf) will be meeting at Children's hospital's entrance and uniting in prayer and worship for Saxon as we walk the circumference of the hospital. Emily and Andrew McCoy will lead us in a worship song and the remainder of the time we will walk and pray for Saxon's healing." 

Monday, June 18, 2012

The Yield of Vulnerability

Yea, staring down the beast is a moving idea, but how in the world do I do that? How in the world does anyone do that? 


One of my best friends and mentors sent me a brief facebook message. God used a sentence and half to remind me of the spiritual warrior's mindset. 


The problem with the idea of hope is that it sets up for pain. We have all heard the saying "Don't get your hopes up." When someone allows hope to penetrate the heart and provide drive, the failure of whatever he or she is hoping for is that much more emotionally devastating. I imagine hope to be like the carabiner of a rock climber. When a carabiner is put to good use the mountain is easier to climb. Because the carabiner has helped the climber gain so much height, if the worst happens and the rope breaks then the fall is that much more devastating. I believe that is the tradeoff of hope. A risky something to help hold you up. 


I think that in spiritual life, those that trust God dare to hope. Those with faith are not afraid to fall. If the worst happens and the rock climber's rope breaks, faith argues that God is there to catch regardless of how far the fall is. When God is there to catch one of His children even the extra height from using the carabiner of hope will not result in __________ death (mental, emotional, psychological, spiritual... I am not honestly sure what should go there). I wager that it will still hurt worse after hope, but God does not drop a child. 


Hope is not something that we are taught. Humanity is often quick to throw in the towel. "Let's be realistic. Let's be scientific." Abandon ship and cut our losses. In America especially, I think that too much of the warrior spirit is extinguished by complacency and comfort. When life is so easy (and lets be honest - most of the time it is), it is difficult to SEE the war ... much less fight in it.


Furthermore, I believe that this invades our spiritual lives on an alarming level. I think that many take American complacency and make God's army into God's tea party far too often. The people we look to in the Bible were on mission for God to an alarming degree. They were living with eternity in mind and counting ALL loss for the purpose of the Gospel. Name one time in your life where you have done that. One. I didn't think so. I know I can't name one, but I want that for God's people, and I want that for myself. I want to be about what counts. I want to run the race with endurance. No more taking my war paint off when I not at Church or when I am serving or when I am busy. When I put war paint on ...  I want to go to war. 


I am going to have to fight to keep hope. Hope does not happen naturally. 


The annalogy from the last post ended with staring fear, pain, and whatever else this situation embodies right in the face. The question becomes -- how do I do that? How do WE do that? 


 I also think it takes courage to hope. How often in films have the soldiers felt defeated only to rally behind the hope of their leader? I was reminded what it means to pray with expectation. Praying with and expecting God to produce takes hope and courage. In no way do I pretend that I can have ultimate control of God, but at the same time I know that prayer makes a difference. The multidimensional character of my Father will never make complete sense to a one-dimensional being like me. I have presented for a long time that the language of creation is not sufficient to describe the Creator. Having said all of that, I do think that praying with bold expectation has its place. Imploring of God, and EXPECTING the result for which I have asked -- that is what I will be striving to do. I remember the paradoxical language that the Book of Daniel uses to describe this. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego speak to Nebuchadnezzar about being thrown into the furnace: 


"If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up."   - Daniel 3:17,18


HE CAN. HE WILL. BUT IF NOT WE STILL CLAIM HIM TO BE OUR GOD. 


I ask anyone that wants to join in the battle for my brother to hope. Hope in such a way that you step out in faith and claim healing and peace and strength and childlike faith over him. Hope with such magnitude that you pray with expectation. Have a hope that produces vulnerability - ready to feel the pain as it comes to my brother. Fight the spiritual fight and feel the burden along with him. 


I also ask visitors to hope in the way that they relate with him. Ask God to give you the hope to enter his room with joy. Allow the Father to give you the strength to love him well and encourage his heart. Trust God enough to be able to enjoy what is good. 


No matter what the doctors tell us, this battle is far from over. God has the power to do what He wants, and I am asking God for the strength to hope and fight the hard fight even if all things tangible say not to. God has the final say. Not medicine.


Thank you to all those who have already been standing in the gap for my brother and my family. 


"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."   - Psalm 34:18


His caring bridge page: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/saxoncochran

Saturday, June 16, 2012

The Look of a Prince

It is difficult to know how to even start this one. I guess I am just going to go at it. 


My little bro, Saxon (I often call him by his middle name, Tran), has been feeling sick for a while. Tired for a couple months. Swollen and painful lymph nodes. Stomach started hurting. Two weeks ago, we got word from doctors that my 12 year old best-friend of a brother MIGHT  have cancer. Although we haven't gotten the "official" results from the biopsy, this morning it was basically confirmed. 


cancer. 


my little bro has cancer. (TECHNICAL STUFF AT THE END)


but he is my bro. my little bro. 


For two weeks I have been dealing with sporadic news about it. "It's not ____. It's not ____. That changes the odds by ________." It kept looking worse and worse, and because we did not want it to get back to Tran, we were not telling anyone. I was forced to keep it inside with the exception of my parents. Now, I would like to give a shout-out to my dad. When he and I would discuss Saxon's sickness it was always beneficial. He is a great example of Godly courage and deep Gospel-based roots, and he shares the vision and goal I am going to try to share in this blog, and that is SUPER encouraging. 


If you imagine a black manifestation, the embodiment of your fears, pains, and limits -- that is what I have seen approaching the last two weeks. I was trying not to make eye contact, hoping that it wasn't the painful improbability. I was both bracing myself and trying not to borrow trouble from tomorrow. It finally reached me and struck it's first blow this morning. I image myself down on one knee spitting up blood. My ears ring, and my head spins. Eyes widened, still in the shock of today's tangibility. 


The last two weeks have contained a lot of thinking and evaluating, and this is the perspective I (and my father and I think many others) am entering this with. And honestly this is the perspective I am fighting to keep because it is definitely a struggle to keep perspective. 


Here it is: 


After the initial shock cleared the air a couple weeks ago, it did not take too too long to hold fast to a trust in the Father. My consistent prayer was something that contained both an plea for my will concerning the situation, that Saxon would be healed quickly and cancer would not be present, and a claim that I knew that He, God my Father, was good no matter what happened. Although I am sure I will struggle with all aspects of the situation, my walk with God has lead me to a place where I can trust Him with this. God has even taught me how to rejoice in trials because He is sovereign, on my side, and intentional in action. I cling to Hebrews 12 often because it tells me that a good Father disciplines, and even though it is not fun at the time, anyone who is loved by God is disciplined by God. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that anyone has done anything to bring cancer about (I believe that would be creating a one-dimensional God, and mine is far bigger than I could ever attempt to define with language). I AM saying that when life gets hard I know I can trust Him with it, and I know it will yield Kingdom fruit in the end.


I also know that I can trust identity. The Author of the Universe is the ONLY one with the Authority to write my eternal story (and my brother's). No matter what we experience in this life, it will not rob us of what is to come. Living with eternal perspective. We are already citizens of Heaven. Knowing my unchangeable identity gives strength to face the here and now. Furthermore, not only is it unchangeable, but it is worth looking forward too: Romans 8:18. 


What's new in my thoughts, however, is that I can not only trust in trail, but I can stay on mission during trail. I am hurting, I assure you of that, but now see that the largest trails in life are also some of the largest opportunities to fulfill my purpose on this Earth. To glorify my God. I am ready to have both Chazak and Amats in the midst of assault (reference the video link below). I want the warrior's look. Going to war. Reckless abandon. Reckless trust. War paint on -- ready to feel the pain that comes my way only because I have been granted an understanding of God's infinite capacities, beautiful characteristics, and unshakable truths. I am protected. I have a refuge. I am going to war with a sovereign God, perfect Father, and a loyal Friend on my side. No longer do I just fight the fight -- I want to lead the charge. 


That is the lifestyle I want to live. That is the walk I want to walk. 


Remember the analogy from earlier? The one with the dark figure standing over me? The new thought plays into the picture like this: 


I want to stand up, shaking with fear and pain, and look the demon right in the eyes. I want a look so confident and piercingly ferocious that it shakes the foundations of Hell. I want Satan to look his limits in the face, and shudder. I want Satan to be reminded that GOD WILL NOT BE STOPPED. I want the Devil to remember his ultimate defeat is approaching, and I want him to be disheartened by the realization of the power of God in His children. This prince to God's Kingdom has no intention of living in fear. 


Who's with me? 


If you have read this please hold me accountable to such a life. I am nowhere near capable of this without God, and I am sure I will need the support of His family as well. 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XKSV9sKr8w


TECHNICALS: 


Basic preliminary reports indicate that Saxon has cancer in his lymph nodes that is originating from a different source (the official name for it is metastatic carcinoma). 


Please pray for Tran. We love him dearly. He is one of my best friends. 


His caring bridge page: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/saxoncochran