It is difficult to know how to even start this one. I guess I am just going to go at it.
My little bro, Saxon (I often call him by his middle name, Tran), has been feeling sick for a while. Tired for a couple months. Swollen and painful lymph nodes. Stomach started hurting. Two weeks ago, we got word from doctors that my 12 year old best-friend of a brother MIGHT have cancer. Although we haven't gotten the "official" results from the biopsy, this morning it was basically confirmed.
cancer.
my little bro has cancer. (TECHNICAL STUFF AT THE END)
but he is my bro. my little bro.
For two weeks I have been dealing with sporadic news about it. "It's not ____. It's not ____. That changes the odds by ________." It kept looking worse and worse, and because we did not want it to get back to Tran, we were not telling anyone. I was forced to keep it inside with the exception of my parents. Now, I would like to give a shout-out to my dad. When he and I would discuss Saxon's sickness it was always beneficial. He is a great example of Godly courage and deep Gospel-based roots, and he shares the vision and goal I am going to try to share in this blog, and that is SUPER encouraging.
If you imagine a black manifestation, the embodiment of your fears, pains, and limits -- that is what I have seen approaching the last two weeks. I was trying not to make eye contact, hoping that it wasn't the painful improbability. I was both bracing myself and trying not to borrow trouble from tomorrow. It finally reached me and struck it's first blow this morning. I image myself down on one knee spitting up blood. My ears ring, and my head spins. Eyes widened, still in the shock of today's tangibility.
The last two weeks have contained a lot of thinking and evaluating, and this is the perspective I (and my father and I think many others) am entering this with. And honestly this is the perspective I am fighting to keep because it is definitely a struggle to keep perspective.
Here it is:
After the initial shock cleared the air a couple weeks ago, it did not take too too long to hold fast to a trust in the Father. My consistent prayer was something that contained both an plea for my will concerning the situation, that Saxon would be healed quickly and cancer would not be present, and a claim that I knew that He, God my Father, was good no matter what happened. Although I am sure I will struggle with all aspects of the situation, my walk with God has lead me to a place where I can trust Him with this. God has even taught me how to rejoice in trials because He is sovereign, on my side, and intentional in action. I cling to Hebrews 12 often because it tells me that a good Father disciplines, and even though it is not fun at the time, anyone who is loved by God is disciplined by God. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that anyone has done anything to bring cancer about (I believe that would be creating a one-dimensional God, and mine is far bigger than I could ever attempt to define with language). I AM saying that when life gets hard I know I can trust Him with it, and I know it will yield Kingdom fruit in the end.
I also know that I can trust identity. The Author of the Universe is the ONLY one with the Authority to write my eternal story (and my brother's). No matter what we experience in this life, it will not rob us of what is to come. Living with eternal perspective. We are already citizens of Heaven. Knowing my unchangeable identity gives strength to face the here and now. Furthermore, not only is it unchangeable, but it is worth looking forward too: Romans 8:18.
What's new in my thoughts, however, is that I can not only trust in trail, but I can stay on mission during trail. I am hurting, I assure you of that, but now see that the largest trails in life are also some of the largest opportunities to fulfill my purpose on this Earth. To glorify my God. I am ready to have both Chazak and Amats in the midst of assault (reference the video link below). I want the warrior's look. Going to war. Reckless abandon. Reckless trust. War paint on -- ready to feel the pain that comes my way only because I have been granted an understanding of God's infinite capacities, beautiful characteristics, and unshakable truths. I am protected. I have a refuge. I am going to war with a sovereign God, perfect Father, and a loyal Friend on my side. No longer do I just fight the fight -- I want to lead the charge.
That is the lifestyle I want to live. That is the walk I want to walk.
Remember the analogy from earlier? The one with the dark figure standing over me? The new thought plays into the picture like this:
I want to stand up, shaking with fear and pain, and look the demon right in the eyes. I want a look so confident and piercingly ferocious that it shakes the foundations of Hell. I want Satan to look his limits in the face, and shudder. I want Satan to be reminded that GOD WILL NOT BE STOPPED. I want the Devil to remember his ultimate defeat is approaching, and I want him to be disheartened by the realization of the power of God in His children. This prince to God's Kingdom has no intention of living in fear.
Who's with me?
If you have read this please hold me accountable to such a life. I am nowhere near capable of this without God, and I am sure I will need the support of His family as well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XKSV9sKr8w
TECHNICALS:
Basic preliminary reports indicate that Saxon has cancer in his lymph nodes that is originating from a different source (the official name for it is metastatic carcinoma).
Please pray for Tran. We love him dearly. He is one of my best friends.
His caring bridge page: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/saxoncochran
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